I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
