Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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