I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
