I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
