i would punch a child for taco bell
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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