chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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