Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
