You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
