Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
