I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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