My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
