I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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