I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
