He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
