I cannot find my penis.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
