I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You are a genius and a whore.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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