we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
