Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
