Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
