The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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