My liver just broke up with me...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
