If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
