I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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