I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
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Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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