So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
