I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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