True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you had me at cake vodka
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
