Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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