The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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