Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
