Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
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Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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