my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
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So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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