You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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