we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
