Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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