i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
whose parrot is this?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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