i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
