I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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