My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
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HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.