I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line