I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
