tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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