A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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