please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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