I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
