Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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