Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
