the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
