my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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