Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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