I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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