Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He has the fingertips of a God
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
