You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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