Screwed.edu
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
