Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
