I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just pee around me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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