I think my fart just growled at me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
