she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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