i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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